White Guys and Their Filipino Store Adventures

If you're just tuning in, I'm married to a white Midwestern guy. You see I grew up in the Philippines and just like any Filipino who moved to another country I miss my Filipino food (more than my family..but shhh! Don't tell them that.) Fortunately, I live in LA where there are a lot of Filipino stores. The nearest one, located in Koreatown is a 15 minute drive from my apartment. Seafood City is probably one of the most popular Filipino stores in the US. They have stores all over LA, San Diego, NorCal and Las Vegas. Yes. Whether you like it or not we are everywhere (don't worry we only bite when provoked!). Now going back to the whole point of this blog. Once a month my husband and I drive to Seafood City to get my Filipino food fix. I call it the Tour De Freak only because I think I kinda freak him out with the stuff I expose him to. I bring him along because I want him to experience my culture (plus he's my chauffeur). My husband is such a good sport. He eagerly walks around the store with me. Most of the time he is the only white dude in the store and everyone gives him that look -- like WTH-is-this-white-guy-doing-here look. The first few times I brought him along he would have this confused/shocked/amused look on his face and would ask me a lot of questions -- What is this? How do you eat this? Is this food or decoration? What is this called? How do you pronounce that? Why is the fish staring back at me? You actually eat those? WTH are fish balls? Why does shrimp paste smell like old fish?. That was before. Now he's more acclimated and comfortable.

Today was one of those Tour de Freak days. My husband waited in the car while I went shopping. In the seafood section I saw a white guy with his Filipino wife. While the woman was shopping the guy stood in one corner with their cart. He had the same confused/shocked/amused look on his face. It seems to me that he wasn't enjoying this adventure at all. I can't blame him. If you're not Filipino, there is some weird stuff in that store that will give you nightmares. For example:

1. Chicken feet - Especially with the nails on, they are freaky.
2. Pig Blood - When cooked it actually looks like chocolate but doesn't taste like chocolate.
3. Liver, heart, kidneys, intestines, tripe - In other words ORGANS that you don't see in your local grocery store.
4. Duck eggs (Balut) - Hello? They made it to Fear Factor.
   
5. Fish head - They stare back at you but they smile at you.

A newbie might find Filipino food to be a little overwhelming, but it's time to take a break from Olive Garden, Applebees and Panera Bread Company.

How Dumpster Diving Made Me A Celebrity

OK. Maybe not celebrity but I MADE THE NEWS! Not the 30-min-car-chase kind of NEWS but I was mentioned in today's morning TV newscast. Yesterday, after coming home early from work I noticed that one of our trash cans in my apartment building was open. And if you know me, that shit annoys me. So as I was closing the bin I noticed a bunch (like a hundred) of cards inside. They were all addressed and labeled without stamps. I saw one of the envelopes opened so I looked inside and realized they were holiday cards. I thought that it was weird that the cards were in the trash unless of course they decided to cancel CHRISTMAS. I took one of the opened cards to show my husband when he got home because the card was pretty entertaining. I thought the woman was familiar but I couldn't figure out where I saw her or how I know her. I didn't think about consulting Google until my husband came home. He googled her and yes of course the woman is Wendy Burch the reporter from KTLA 5. But that's not how I know her. See I'm a huge fan of the reality show The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I follow every single one of the women on the show on Twitter. Adrienne Maloof is one of them and she is a very good friend of Wendy. I've seen Wendy on one episode of RHOBH and I've also seen her name pop up every now and then on Adrienne's twitter. So now that I put two and two together, I reached out to Wendy on twitter and told her I found a bunch of her cards. She immediately responded and said they were stolen from her car. Seriously? Why would people do that? I asked if she wanted them back because if she did I was going to dig out the trash and retrieve all the cards. I don't normally dig through trash but it's Christmas and I'm a good person (yeah right!) so sure WHY NOT? After exchanging a couple messages and phone numbers on Twitter she said she would come in the morning to pick up her cards and that she would talk about me in her show (video below or here). WHOA?! Are you serious? I mean I didn't wanna sound all excited but I made sure I recorded her show and I was awake at 6am to watch it.

My husband and I met Wendy this morning and we found out we live right next to each other. She's a really nice person and I am just happy that she got all her holiday cards back. She now calls me her CARD ANGEL. Angel? Me? Ok. Sure. I'll take it. So what's next for me? After this I'll probably star in my own reality TV show. Stay tuned!

For The Love of Giada...

If you are my friend, relative, BFF, Facebook friend, Twitter friend or stalker, you probably know about that incident where I almost burned my kitchen. If you're just tuning in my awesome life, let me relive that day.

Your smoke alarm is going off!

April 8. Thursday. I came home early from work. I went to the store. I prepared dinner. I was making Giada's Pasta alla Formiana. It said cook for an hour at 450 degrees (which I did). But since I was so obsessed with losing weight and having the body of a European supermodel I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood and grab a cupcake from Crumbs. Twenty minutes into my workout, with cupcakes in hand I got a text from my upstairs neighbor -- "Smoke alarm in your apartment is going off!" Holy Mother of God! Are you kidding me? I ran back to my apartment like Usain Bolt (maybe faster). At the same time I could hear the fire trucks behind me. I was 5 blocks away. I almost wanted to yell, "I know where you're going! I need a ride back to my apartment!" while flagging the firetrucks down. As soon as I reached my block I saw three fire trucks and an ambulance. I seriously thought my building was on fire and my tenants/neighbors were burned to death. Inside my apartment I saw close to 15 firefighters and a cloud of smoke. It felt like heaven minus St. Peter and the smell of burned food. When I walked in my kitchen one of the firefighters said, "The good news is, dinner is served. In the sink!". He was mocking me of course. But he is cute so I let it pass. I am just so thankful no one got hurt and there were no damages! After the firefighters did their thing, I apologized to my neighbors. I went on with my life. I tweeted about the incident. I updated my Facebook status and then called my husband. I know. I know. I should've called my husband first.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: Things I've learned.

1) Our smoke alarm works.

2) Oregano smells good even when burned.

3) I can run really fast. I should train for next year's LA Marathon.

4) I will never lose weight because I consider "walking to a cupcake store" a workout.

5) Crumb's cupcakes are still good even if they look like they were stepped on.

6) Giada got me in trouble. Just kidding. I don't know how I'd do it, but I plan to tell her my story. Anyone know where I can reach her agent? Oh wait. She's on Twitter.

7) Beverly Hills Firefighters are HOTTTTTT! If I wasn't too traumatized I would've started another fire just to see them again.

8) I am now popular in my neighborhood. Everybody talks/gossips about me. I may just have won the title "Village Idiot".

9) I got the best workout of my life that day. Jillian Michaels would be proud.

10) Soup & flat bread are a good substitute dinner for pasta. Especially burned pasta.

Vladimir Lenin said, "Any cook should be able to run the country. " Except the cook who sets the oven at 450deg and leaves.

Missed Me?

Apologies for ignoring the blog world. Between work and the social life (that I do not have), I am also busy keeping myself warm. It's getting colder in LA and when the temperature drops to 50 degrees, I totally FREEZE and shut down. So to my in-laws, apologies in advance. I will never move to Michigan. If we do move, it's because we both lost our jobs, we're homeless and we need a place to live.

So what's going on with me? Nothing really. Just keeping up with the Kardashians, the White House crashers, Tiger Woods and the lives of the Jewish people I work for.

Thanksgiving

My friend TJ invited us to his new home for Thanksgiving. It's a Filipino Thanksgiving so aside from the traditional turkey, we had ribs, roast beef, pasta and spanakopita. Yeah, Filipinos kinda like to mix it up a little. Celebrating Thanksgiving is as alien to us in the Philippines as below-freezing temperatures. The best thing about Filipinos is being able to adapt easily. We can live anywhere in the world and still function. I actually have more relatives in the US compared to the hubby coz that is how I roll.

Temecula Wineries

After Thanksgiving dinner, the hubby and I went to Temecula to visit the wineries. Although I like to WHINE a lot, I'm not a wine person. I drink wine that has fruit in it -- Sangria. However, I like visiting wineries and do wine tastings just to remind myself why I do not like wine. I am weird like that and I feel sorry for my husband that he has to deal with my weirdness. I highly suggest visiting Temecula if you like wine. It's not Napa or Sonoma but it's a good alternative. Stay away from Cougar Winery, the winery that suggests you drink the wine but ignore the smell of it. Really? I'm no wine expert but don't you smell the wine and then drink it?

Caffeine Slave No More

First let me say that I've only had coffee four times since deciding to quit 6 weeks ago. Only because there are new coffee shops (Aroma Cafe & Intelligentsia) that the we recently discovered and they are just so hard to resist. If you wanna know if quitting has affected my energy, mood and effectiveness, I'd say NO. However, there are times when I just want to hang myself especially at work where everyone drinks coffee everyday! There was one time my co-worker spilled her coffee and I just wanted to lick the coffee off her chest & lap. It was that bad! So please join me in congratulating myself with this new achievement :D


Christmas Shopping

I just realized there are 20 more days before Christmas. I haven't done any holiday shopping. I have no plans to. I'm going the easy route -- Gift cards! So to my relatives (who are not on my shit list), I hope you enjoy your gift cards and I hope you buy me awesome gifts with those gift cards...

When I'm happy I clap with my feet.

A tribute to the Filipino Boxing Champ. In a never before seen video of myself cheering for Manny Pacquiao....

On Saturday, he fights Puerto Rican boxer Miguel Cotto. I, and millions of Filipinos around the world will be cheering for him. Hopefully this time, the hubby won't secretly video tape me or else he'd be getting an upper cut or right hook from me. Haha! Joke! I can't punch so I will probably just Taser him.

Go Manny! Make Mama proud!

Raising Kids the White Way

The hubby and I have talked about having kids, what they will look like and the challenges of having mutt kids. He's so American and I'm a fobbie Filipino. We're NO Jon & Kate and definitely not planning to have the PLUS 8 but the two of us raising kids in America will be very interesting especially for me. How do I raise half white kids in America without becoming the stereotypical "white" family raising kids?

Here are my observations...

Names - I don't like white, cheesy, trendy names. I actually have a "Names I Will Not Give My Future Kids" list. This list includes Hunter, Dakota, Riley, Casey, Cooper, Madison, Cassidy etc. Let's not even include stupid celebrity baby names on here. Those belong to another list.

Baby Accessories - I am the perfect example of a person who was once a baby and never had to be in a stroller, car seat or high chair. I also wasn't born in a hospital. I was born in my father's ancestral home with the help of a midwife and didn't have the luxury of a crib. I think that my parents put me in a shoe box or a picnic basket after they laid me down to sleep. Is it really necessary to splurge on baby accessories? I guess what I'm trying to say is, I grew up normal with my limbs intact without all these complex baby stuff.

Time Out - I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I only learned about "Time Out" when I was watching an episode of Super Nanny. It's a punishment for kids who are misbehaving. I've never experienced this. When my sisters & I misbehaved we get a good swat in the ass with whatever my parents can get their hands on. They believe in corporal punishment. I do too. However, I'd like to be able to spank my kids without them calling 911 and Social Services showing up in my house.

Play Date - OK. Someone please explain this to me. Why is this necessary? Does it really help improve your kids social skills? I don't remember my parents setting up a time for kids to show up in our house to play. I'm pretty sociable. If you still don't know, I have Twitter, Facebook, Multiply, Friendster and this blog. I think play date is just another excuse so parents can party & get drunk.

Kids Spa - The most annoying part in the world of beauty and spa is when you are getting your nails done and you are seated next to a 7 year old kid who is getting a massage, manicure & pedicure. NO. The pink nail polish with white flowers on your big toe is not CUTE. NOT CUTE AT ALL. Oh hai. Kids grow up so fast! I once painted my toe nails and my mother scolded me because she said I was too young for that crap. I used Liquid Paper! Not even a real nail polish! My mother was a hardcore disciplinarian.


American Girl Place - I am probably being judgmental by saying that the kids who come to this place are rich, spoiled, brats who will probably grow up like Paris Hilton. This is a place where young girls have tea parties with other young girls and their dolls. Did you hear they also have an American Doll Salon? Really? Salon for dolls? That is creepy! I read somewhere that they recently just came out with a Homeless Doll. The price? $95! Ohhh such IRONY! I probably just pissed off a bunch of American Girl doll owners. You can kill me now.


Hannah Montana - I am just glad that by the time I decide to have kids, Hannah Montana will be old. Too old that my kids won't find her entertaining. Too old that re-runs of her show will be shown on The History Channel. Plus, isn't Hannah Montana also Miley Cyrus? How do you explain that to the kids? It's so confusing! Also, how do you explain to your kids that you can be a star and make millions by being lame & untalented?



Kids (young boys) with Long Hair
For some reason I think a lot of parents are trying to raise the future Kurt Cobain or Eddie Vedder. Look, if you can bring the dolls to a salon why can't you bring your young son to get a haircut? Do us all a favor and don't put us in an awkward situation where we think your "daughter" is adorable and your kid responds "I'm not a girl!". Case in point, Celine Dion with girly son Rene Charles. How many of you want to bet her son will soon be getting a training bra?



I'm sure when the time comes and we decide to have kids, we will be ready. And since we're gonna have half filipino/half american babies, allow me to borrow the lyrics of Hannah Montana's song: "You get the best of both worlds. Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds. The best of both worlds."

Today, I play Matchmaker...

The other day I was chatting with my grade school friend and she casually mentioned if I could set her up with one of my single American friends. This made me think. HARD. Really hard. Why the eff not? I mean if the Jews have JDate and pet lovers have all these ridiculous dating websites then why can't I play matchmaker between Filipinos & Americans?

My dating history and my very "successful" relationship with my American hubby makes me a credible matchmaker, right? I also have a handful white, latino, black, persian guy friends who are wishing to end up with their own Pacific Island princess.

Fil-Am Dating 101

American men (and other nationalities), here are things you need to know about Filipino women...

1.) Filipino women are beautiful.

We stand out. Our features are unique. We do not look like our Asian neighbors. We are neither white nor yellow. We are brown which makes white people very jealous. Now, I'm not saying our Asian neighbors are ugly. In fact, I should credit them for their contribution to our culture and exotic breed.

2.) Filipino women are generous.

We like to help our family back home in any way we can. Western Union is still in business because of us.

3.) Filipino women are opinionated.

Your opinion counts but our opinions count more. DUH. We've had 2 female presidents. Nuff said!

4.) Filipino women are caring and supporting.

If you are married to a Filipino woman you don't need to worry about a retirement home or a caregiver coz she or her relatives will take care of you. However, you also don't want to take advantage of her because she will not hesitate to break your balls.

5.) Filipino women are respectable, understanding and patient

We were raised to speak politely and never engage in arguments or quarrels. We should act refined and lady like and never bring shame to the family. I don't know what happened to me. I guess, I am the exception to the rule.


Filipino women, here are things you need to know about American men...

1.) American men like sports.

If you can't beat 'em join 'em.

2.) American men like to drink.

If you can't beat 'em join 'em.

3.) American men like extreme activites (bungee jumping, sky diving, skiing, etc)

If you can't beat 'em join 'em

4.) American men like to eat boring, white people food.

Between LA and New York there's nothing but Applebee's and Olive Garden. If you can't eat 'em join 'em.

5.) American men like porn.

If you can't beat 'em join 'em.


See? Men, in general and American men specifically are simple, like Corky from Life Goes On.